Introduction to my life. Untangled from the narcissists web & fighter of Lyme disease.

Hello there fellow humans.  I was having a little conversation with God a couple of months ago, one evening at about 3am, not in the same context as Neale Donald Walsch where i was getting a clear response (well i thought i was not at the time)…. and it all started a little something like this:-

That very day, the 25th of July 2016 i had had my results back from Armin labs Augsberg Germany from my blood test i had taken, for suspected Lyme Disease confirming i ‘had’ Lyme disease plus co infections.  I had been visiting doctors and specialists for the last two years, telling them i was convinced i had Lyme (I had actually been bit, had the rash and found the tick)… but i was fobbed off with the old cliche label of ‘fibromyalgia’ the doctors get of jail card, by way of telling a patient you now have a label for your symptoms so you can go away!  Fibromyalgia derives no real follow up treatment, unlike the hassle it would cause if they had labelled you with Lyme.

On the 18th July 2016 one week prior, i had sent my blood to Germany to be tested.  I am a single mom and not by any means wealthy but it was worth the fee of over £500 it had cost me to get these various tests done for Lyme and co-infections (as Lyme usually goes hand in hand with other infections).  I needed answers, my gut instinct was telling me there was something wrong, and i was not going to be fobbed off with the fibromyalgia label, and end up like some poor sufferers of Lyme incapable of going to work, with the potential of a life in a wheel chair.  This was my life and i was going to take control…if the results came back negative, then so be it, i would accept what the NHS had told me, and deal with my fibromyalgia the best way i could.

I suppose in a way i sort of trusted the NHS, they after all had had years of training and expertise.  My last g.p visit had been in May 2016, when i had requested blood tests’ again’ for ‘Lyme’ she retorted  ‘This has been put to bed, you have fibromyalgia'”. I stood my ground, looking at the doctor in disbelief, who did all but roll her eyes at me!

 Poor doctor was i such an inconvenience for her? sitting in her surgery, fearing that if there was a chance i had Lyme, that i could end up really poorly, worse than i was feeling now.  As we know its the sort of disease that gets worse over time with no treatment.   Was i wrong for worrying who would then look after my child?  Who would then pay my mortgage?  How would i cope with feeling ill day in day out…my health i had took for granted, was it on the verge of irretrievable repair? But how dare i think i know better than the doctor about my own body!  How dare i believe i had Lyme just because i had been bit and had the trademark rash and saw the tick dead on my floor engorged in my blood!  The look on her face almost sent me walking out the surgery with my head hanging for being a pest.  However – Was she going to be the one to look after me and my health and my child and my finances if it all went wrong? – no!  No she bloody well wasn’t so tough doctor i am going to have to insist.  So although made to feel like a neurotic nuisance i insisted on that test.  Which came back negative anyway… 

So on the 25th July when i finally had my results from Germany that were positive after the initial sense of relief, i went into a bit of a black hole.  Avidly searching on the Lyme uk discussion group on Facebook, looking for answers… what next?  You’d think i would go back up the doctors? but it was clear to me that i was up against a brick wall, armin labs had not been accredited and therefore it was likely the Nhs would foo foo me off again, with their next ‘get out of jail card’ ‘armin labs are not accredited’ so cannot consider your results that have cost you over £500 to get!  The task in hand was bigger then i had anticipated.  There were no clear cut answers.  This parasite was a clever little devil, it wasn’t as simple as popping antibiotics and hoping for the best.  What was i going to do?  Working so many hours was a hindrance, i needed time to research and find out what my next action was going to be.  I asked my work for some unpaid leave, i left work crying and scared and alone. My Dad couldn’t even help me now.

That evening i went to bed, i lay there in the dark, my mind going round and round in panic on what i was going to do next?   The darkness of the room engulfed me and i spoke out loud, this is so unfair i thought.  “God why have you let this happen to me?  Its so unfair, i have only recently got my life right, finally i am at the stage where i am supposed to being enjoying my life, there should be nothing to stop me now, no other human feeding off me now, thriving on my misery, instead you have replaced that parasite with a new kind of parasite.  I have suffered years of mental and physical abuse at the hands of a narcissist, seen the light, fought my hardest to break free, and now this!!! Why could you not give me a break Lord?  This should be my time, its so unfair”.

The ironic thing about it was i hadn’t been bit by a tick walking in the woods, or out camping in the countryside, and ‘no’ i ‘hadn’t been to Scotland’ as the last rheumatoid specialist had asked me when i had had positive blood tests back from the Nhs in September 2015, when she had told me they were highly likely a false positive because i had not been to Scotland.  No the little damn bugger had bit me at my home, in bed, in Staffordshire. Yes, Staffordshire, there aren’t just contaminated ticks in Scotland you know.  These trials and tribulations God wanted to bestow upon me, and i just couldn’t understand why?  

Three months on a lot has happened in my quest for answers and i feel like i am fighting the good fight.  I am hoping my blogs ( i intend to do) on dealing with domestic violence,breaking free of mental and physical abuse from a narcissistic partner, and my own Lyme story will be of interest to others fighting their own similar battles. I am a believer in positive mental attitude, and being your own best friend.  

Thank you for reading my blog.         obstacles

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First blog post

I started this blog post as a little introduction as to what i am about, & what i intend to gain from blogging.  My life is finally at peace now, but for most of my adult life i had been in a controlling relationship where i was abused mentally and physically.  The last several years have been life changing for me since i have broke free.

The things we take for granted, the mundane tasks of going to work, coming home cooking tea and watching television leave me feeling so blessed.  Blessed to have a roof over my head, peace and quite and ‘no unnecessary drama’ created by another, and forcing my life off the rails like a runaway train.  I have wrote about what i went through in a book called ‘Under your influence’ which i am hoping to get published one day.

The first chapter is already feature on amazon, in ‘The writers and artists yearbook 2016 anthology’.  Ideally i hope others can relate to what i went through, and if they are going through it too, it may give them some support when they find it difficult to break free.  Sadly i have recently been diagnosed with ‘Lyme disease’ which is what my first blog is about.  After getting out of one sticky situation where i was in it up to my neck, i don’t intend to let this disease get the better of me.