School holidays and the working single mom.

Am i the only single mom who as the guilt trips rather than the holiday trips during the school holidays?  Working full time all i look forward to when i know i am having some time off during the school holidays is catching up on the endless jobs that have been neglected and need doing, due to spending so many hours at work.

The garden for instance is a mammoth task.  My intentions are to gradually have it as a garden for very little man time maintenance… however getting it to that lovely stage is taking a lot of time and effort.  Time which is the main factor.

Now first i am conscious that the main priority of the school holidays should be spending time with my eleven year old daughter.  Quality time doing the things she loves such as cinema, bike rides, trips to parks, theme parks and all the stuff kids like, and i sadly have tired of.

Let me explain why i am tired of kids fun stuff.  Already having been a single mom one time round.  I got married at nineteen had my first child at twenty one, my second child at twenty three, and by the time they were five and seven my marriage failed, it so bad and detrimental to my children too we had to leave.  We had to flee and live in a refuge.

The children did not see much of their Dad.  His choice, he was too busy clubbing and enjoying himself, so i was left to tend to the needs of my children.  Which… is what we sign up for when we become mothers, that i agree.  So for many years i sat on swing parks, in cinemas watching cartoons, and Disney films, and having to keep the children occupied.  You would often catch me in a kids zone place where the kids would be climbing the obstacle course, and i would be sat alone at a table, trying to enjoy a coffee and indulge in a magazine, with the awful sound of screaming kids battering my ear drums, but kids only get one childhood and it was my mission to try and give them some good times.

Anyway i could see the light at the end of the tunnel when they finally started senior school, and hit their teens, yay, they did not need me to be there anymore while they were entertaining themselves because they were growing up, finding their own friends, and freedom was looming, right…

Wrong what happened i met Mr right, or so i thought, and i got pregnant again.  Such a crucial time, i was gutted.  I really did not want to go through the years of putting the needs of kid’s first all over again, selfish as it sounds, but that realistically is what motherhood is about.  I wanted to have some time doing things i enjoyed, and discovering what i the adult Stephanie liked in life.

Still a life was on its way and i had to come to terms with it.  Within a few months of having my third child, it all went wrong, more wrong then i could have ever envisioned, her Dad was a fruit cake.  Now don’t think i have a thing for nutty men, I don’t!  They certainly aren’t nutty when i meet them, when they reeled me in, they are charm and fineness itself, just like the prince charming on the Disney films, but sadly for me that side of them only lasted till their sperm had met my egg.  What can i say, I am just not very good at spotting the signs, letting my heart rule my  head, but that’s a whole other story.

So i find myself having spent the majority of my whole adult life a ‘single mom’.  Not what i set out to do.  Also not the ideal scenario for my children, but life happens, and as we know we can’t fit situations into neat little boxes that suit us, some things are beyond our control.

Back to ‘ single mom in the school holiday’  what i was originally intending to write about.  So i have committed to the cinema this week, and a bike ride with my daughter, and like a good mom  got my priorities out the way.  The garden is like a jungle, the sun is out, and i am dying to get stuck in, get the garden to the maintenance free heaven i have pictured in my head, but it’s going to take work.  So i get out the garden forks, my knee pads for my not so young knees to rest on, and i am about twenty minutes in, and i hear it ” mom i am bored, what can we do?”.  The dreaded words!

Its not much to ask is it? to be able to do your gardening, or your much needed decorating, (because you haven’t got a man to do it!) without being made to feel guilty.  It’s hardly like i am going out and doing something with my friends, I just want to be able to do my jobs without worrying about keeping my child happy.

We live in a beautiful place and i know my daughter tries to get her friends to play out, but they are all too busy on their games consoles, or out with their families, or seeing their Dads (if their parents are divorced) and they’re with their mom’s all week, or vice versa, because i acknowledge there are a lot of single Dads out there, doing a great job too. My daughter doesn’t see her Dad, again, his choice.  I feel sorry for her, because i know she would love a Dad.  I’d love her to have a good Dad too, even if we weren’t together, one who would pick her up of a weekend and do all the fun stuff that i am just so tired with now.  Gosh i just admire men who pay child support and make an effort to see their children they are high up in the ranking in my estimation.

So all you ladies out there, who are broody and thinking of having babies with your partner.  Think carefully, is he a kind caring man?  Does he have integrity? Will he be there for his child regardless of what happens between you both?  Single parenting is so hard doing everything yourself, and feeling guilty because you feel like you don’t do enough for your child.

Your with your child twenty four seven around work, and school etc, it’s hard going, especially when they get cheeky and disrespectful, which some kids do, and you know you’re breaking your ass to keep afloat.  It saddens me to think that by the time i finally get my freedom, when my daughter is independent, i won’t be able to enjoy the things i could have done,  as i could have done them  when i was young and full of vitality.  Make the most of your youth enjoy that precious time when you’re full of energy, looking and feeling your best, it’s a magical time for beach parties, parachuting, or indulging in education to get yourself a fantastic job.  There is plenty of time to saddle yourself with children, just plan carefully.

On a final note i will say i absolutely adore all my children, and if i had a choice of doing it all again without them, I would not make that choice, I could not be without them, they are my life.  The only thing i would choose differently would be the men who i chose for father’s, however my children would not be the wonderful original mixture of genes from their father’s side, flesh, bone and unique personality that they are.  It has been bloody hard though!!!



First blog post

I started this blog post as a little introduction as to what i am about, & what i intend to gain from blogging.  My life is finally at peace now, but for most of my adult life i had been in a controlling relationship where i was abused mentally and physically.  The last several years have been life changing for me since i have broke free.

The things we take for granted, the mundane tasks of going to work, coming home cooking tea and watching television leave me feeling so blessed.  Blessed to have a roof over my head, peace and quite and ‘no unnecessary drama’ created by another, and forcing my life off the rails like a runaway train.  I have wrote about what i went through in a book called ‘Under your influence’ which i am hoping to get published one day.

The first chapter is already feature on amazon, in ‘The writers and artists yearbook 2016 anthology’.  Ideally i hope others can relate to what i went through, and if they are going through it too, it may give them some support when they find it difficult to break free.  Sadly i have recently been diagnosed with ‘Lyme disease’ which is what my first blog is about.  After getting out of one sticky situation where i was in it up to my neck, i don’t intend to let this disease get the better of me.